My Heart Experience

I was born and raised in the church – Pentecostal church to be exact. After many years of living for people and not for God, I left. I was tired of trying to be someone I was not. For a period of time I was really trying to get on the right path but I just couldn’t and didn’t understand what all the hoopla was about. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve felt the presence of God and watched Him move in people’s lives, but at the time it just wasn’t enough for me. Or should I say, I didn’t really understand His significance.

I felt that there had to be more to life than church this and church that. Besides, looking on the outside, it seemed as though the world was enticing and filled with great opportunities. I thought I was smart enough not to get in too deep because I knew that not everything that glittered was gold. Silly me. If only I knew that sin can take you further than you anticipate.

My intention was to just get a little taste.

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Besides, I needed a testimony for when I went back to church. Up until that point in my life, I felt that I had no real testimony. Yeah, God woke me up and clothed me in my right mind, blah, blah, blah – the typical stuff. I didn’t understand that my testimony, even though it was small, was really a great deal, because it was confirmation that God was in my corner, protecting me from the wilds of this world.

Instead, I wanted to go to nightclubs and lounges.

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I wanted to smoke, get high, get drunk and just lose control.

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I wanted to make friends outside of the church walls. These would be the people I could be worldly with, without fear of judgment. I wanted my “freedom”. During all of this, I realized that, just like Jonah, when God calls you to do something, it doesn’t matter how far you run, or how deep you get into things that you’re not to be in, you can never out run or hide from God. He sees and knows your every move and He will go to the depths of hell to save you from complete destruction.

For the last couple of months, I’ve been feeling a tug at my heart and I knew it was God. Things that I once found joy in, became unpleasant to me. No matter how hard I tried to dive in, I just could not find any joy or peace. So I began fighting with myself to go back to church. I fought for months but to no avail. During the week I would get excited about going back to church and by Saturday night/Sunday morning, I had found a way out. At first, the excuses were school related and I pledged to do things differently once school was done.

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When school was done, I just needed a break from the hustle and bustle of the week; I needed Sunday to be my rest day.

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The list goes on…

One week, I just couldn’t continue to lie to myself any more (because that’s the only person I was really fooling). I got myself together and went to church and boy let me tell you, when I say God is amazing, it is merely an understatement. God used that preacher to speak directly to my soul.

He spoke boldly about our hearts and how they often times endure much. He opened our eyes to realize that out of all the vital organs in our body if our heart stops that could be THE end of everything. We would need a new heart to operate. From a spiritual perspective, I have to accept the new heart (life, actions, morals, attitude) that God is forever willing to bestow unto me. He will take my old heart and make it new again if that’s what I want. There is no possible way that my old heart can bring me the life that God has designed for me. I know that in my heart dwelleth no good thing (Romans 7:18), because I was born in sin and shapen in inequity (Psalms 51:5). A new heart will come when we confess our sins to God and repent.

I used that time to really evaluate my life. I had to be true to myself. I’ve been miserable. If anything, my heart has been pretty much in pieces without HIM.

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All these things that I thought would fill unexisting voids brought nothing but heartache and pain. If anything, I created voids once I walked away from God.  I was able to be honest with God and allow Him to remove a load that I’ve been carrying around with me for so long.

Now, I know that I am not even within an inch of where God wants me to be, but this is a big deal, because now I think with my heart and not with my mind. I have been able to tell God everything that I’ve had in my heart for the last couple of years with the intention and motivation to do better and be better. I am now allowing Him to speak to my heart and operate in my life. No longer will I do things on my own. Now everything will flow from HEART to HEART.

They always said that confession was good for the soul – the truth is, it is just as good for your heart.

Peace&Love – MTB.

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